Sure, it’s only my opinion, but I believe that this world can be sorted into two kinds of people: those who have some sort of interest in oysters, and those who could not care less. If you’ve managed to read this far, then I’m inclined to believe that we’re together in the first group. The rest of you are dismissed, but you’re more than welcome to hang around and read on a bit more.

    As for me, I am a wordsmith by trade, but an oysterist by nature.

    “What the hell,” you might ask, “is an oysterist?”

    Thanks for might asking, because that spares me the awkwardness of otherwise having to explain “oysterist” on my own.

    In all humility, “oysterist” is a term I made up. A wordsmith is allowed to do that when there is a void that needs to be filled.

    Until “oysterist,” the only other possible word was “ostreaphile.” Ostreaphile? Really? Isn’t that something to do with big birds? No, an “ostreaphile” is an afficianado of oysters, sorta like a “oenophile” is a connoisseur of wine. And there you have it, afficianados and connoisseurs throughout the world. As for me, I prefer to be called an “oysterist.”

    And this is how I define the term:

        Oysterist
        /'oistǝrist/
        noun: oysterist; plural noun: oysterists
          1. a. One who cultivates a discriminating palate for the enjoyment of oysters
              b. One who cultivates and/or who harvests oysters
          2. One who demonstrates an expertise of oyster art, science, and/or gastronomy
          3. One who advocates the eating of oysters

      As with all definitions, the definition of “oysterist” does have its priorities, 1 through 3, which means you can be a 1a, a 1b, a 2, or a 3, but you need not be ALL of those if that’s your preference.

      As for priority 1, that simply means this: to cultivate a “discriminating palate” is just a fancy way of saying that an oyster either tastes good to you or it doesn’t. It’s okay for an oysterist to discriminate between those oysters s/he likes and those s/he doesn’t. That said, there are those who enjoy eating oysters who do not cultivate and/or harvest them, just as there are those who do cultivate and/or harvest them, but don’t care to eat them.

      The second option is just my way of welcoming in those who do know a helluva lot more about oysters than the rank-and-file oysterist ever needs to know. In short, an ostreaphile can be an oysterist, but an oysterist need not be an ostreaphile.

      The third option is quite simple: just shut up and eat your oysters. As I prefer to put it, “Shuck, slurp, chew, swallow & smile.”

      Okay, that’s about enough for now. The tide’s heading out, so I need to put on my gumboots and hit the flats. As my good friend, Jimmy Buffett would say, “Give me oysters and beer/For dinner every day of the year,/And I’ll be fine.”